The Dead Britain Sketch

povertyWith absolutely no apologies to John Cleese.

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Praline: (pause)I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Britain what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the United Kingdom…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, it’s uh,…it’s resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Britain when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the United Kingdom, idn’it, ay? Beautiful imperial plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! It’s resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if it’s restin’, I’ll wake it up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister Britain! I’ve got some lovely fresh colonies for you if you show…

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, it moved!

Mr. Praline: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything…

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO BRITAIN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes Britain and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead Britain.

Owner: No, no…..No, it’s stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin’ up!

Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Britain is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged xenophobic rant.

Owner: Well, it’s…it’s, ah…probably pining for the Raj.

Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the Raj?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back the moment I got it home?

Owner: The UK prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable country, id’nit, squire? Lovely pliant media!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining it when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there by Theresa May.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that bird down, it would have been nicked by some nasty foreigners, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Mr. Praline: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Britain is no more! It has ceased to be! ‘It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! ‘It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now ‘istory! Its off the twig! ‘Its kicked the bucket, It’s shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-COUNTRY!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of Britain.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: (pause) I got a PLC

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, is it friendly?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be… a human being!

There’s an Onslaught Coming

Since the outcome of the EU Referendum was announced, it seems like everything has been turned on its head. Cameron has resigned, Boris has stepped away from being a successor. Even Farage has resigned (though he has form on this). More unexpectedly, the anti-Corbyn elements in the Parliamentary Labour Party have launched a huge hissy-fit operation. Despite its ineptitude, it has been taken up by the establishment as a means of neutralising the leftward shifting Labour Party.

corbyn-4-logo-support-jcLet’s face it, Corbyn’s election victory was unexpected.  I suspected he’d put up a good fight but that the party machine would ensure that a safe candidate won.  The subsequent victory was not just a victory for Corbyn but for the wider labour movement, an expression of grassroots will against the bulk of the PLP and therein lay the root of the current crisis.

The PLP seem to think that the party is theirs.  Michael Dugher’s recent outburst, where he called the grassroots of the party a mob, is perhaps the crudest indication of this but the same sentiment abounds elsewhere too.  This is typical of a centrist party, where politics is done by professional politicians and members are only there to pay their fees and be called on to do things.

There are now essentially two Labour Parties.  One centres round the initiators of the coup against Corbyn while the other comprises Corbyn, his remaining supporters in the PLP and the bulk of the ever-growing membership.  It’s not just that they take a fundamentally different view of what politics is about and how it should be conducted.  As David Graber recently said,

For Corbyn’s opponents, the key word is always “leadership” and the ability of an effective leader to “deliver” certain key constituencies. For Corbyn’s supporters “leadership” in this sense is a profoundly anti-democratic concept. It assumes that the role of a representative is not to represent, not to listen, but to tell people what to do.

There is a strong possibility that Corbyn can see off this challenge.  The challengers have wholly mistaken who and what they were taking on.  Yet that won’t be the end of it.  In the aftermath of the Brexit vote, we have an emboldened right wing of the Tory party. We’ve seen what the Establishment has thrown at trying to remove Corbyn as the head of the Labour Party.  Can you imagine they’ll sit back and see him become PM?

So there’s our challenge.  We’ve seen how grass roots mobilisation has been essential in opposing the coup and this has been mobilisation inside and outside of the Labour Party.  If you are on the left then this is your fight too.  As someone who has not been a Labour member since the days of their failure to fight the Poll Tax, I’m not so much interested in what Labour is but what it might become as part of a reinvigorated, broad movement.  It may not be called Labour and it may not have Corbyn as leader (for long), but this is no time to sit on the fence.  If you consider yourself part of progressive politics, the struggle to resist this onslaught is yours. To paraphrase Joe Hill, What they forget to kill goes on to organise.

Poor Hurts

I’ve been reworking song lyrics again.  This time it’s Love Hurts that gets the treatment.  If you don’t know the song, Gram and Emmylou’s version is embedded at the bottom.

Poor hurts, poor scars
Poor wounds and mars
Any heart not tough
Nor strong enough

To take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
Poor is like a dead weight
Holds holds you like a chain

Poor hurts
Mmm mmm, poor hurts

You’re only poor
‘Cause they are rich
The time will come
To make a switch

It’s time to learn a lot
Time to learn a lot
Standing hand in hand
We won’t accept our lot

Poor hurts
Mmm mmm poor hurts

Power towers crumble into dust
‘Cause they must, yes they must
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
But they’re not fooling me

I know it isn’t true
Know it isn’t true
This is all we get
Caps off to the few

Poor hurts
Mmm mmm poor hurts
Poor hurts
Mmm mmm poor hurts

Cereal Killer: in defence of criticism

bella1Some of the completely unnecessary rubbish thrown at Mike Small, following his publication of “Eat Your Cereal” on Sunday, is the impetus behind me writing this. I’ve written on this subject before and thought there was nothing more to say but, no, some of the half-baked nonsense that I have read in relation to Mike’s article means that I’m back here again.

First of all, let’s get something straight. Not every criticism of the SNP is anti-SNP. Friends criticise each other. We wouldn’t be very good friends if we didn’t. In the run up to the referendum in 2014, we had a shared vision. It was plural, diverse, contradictory, a bit scary, but it was ours. The defeat was our defeat and we all felt it, deeply. We almost made it but almost wasn’t enough.

We should all be very proud of what we achieved, the rebirth of democratic engagement in Scotland on a scale I haven’t seen in my lifetime (and I’ve been around a bit) and it was all of us, with our friends and families, in old organisations and new, all of us, working together towards a common purpose, that got us this far.

Since the referendum things have changed. “Politics as usual” has been resumed and it’s narrow. It’s point-scoring. It’s binary. It’s trying to put that big vision in a box that can’t contain it. It doesn’t belong in a box. You’ll break it if you try. One party cannot contain indy. It couldn’t contain the indy movement in the run-up to 2014, so why should it now.

Let’s take an analogy. Two phrases I remember from school report cards – “could do better” and “easily distracted”. The is the essence of most pro-indy criticism of SNP policy. Just as my teachers weren’t anti-me, articles like Mike’s aren’t anti-SNP. They are challenging the SNP to be better, to go further, to remember the vision and not be cowed by the political establishment.

I don’t do party loyalty. I’m a member of RISE because it best reflects my ideas and aspirations but I willy happily criticise if I have to. I will even walk away if I have to. The party reflects the idea; it isn’t the idea. The party and the movement are only vehicles. We must be prepared to adapt, improve, even discard if we need to, in order to reach the goal.

This is a long-game but one which can’t wait. Every step matters and people are in need now. I spent the ’80s and early ’90s waiting for a Labour government would make things bette. I held my nose and voted Labour and all we got was Blair, Brown and the Iraq War. Seasoned politicians took us for granted and gave us nothing back.  I will not vote on that basis again.

Let’s be bold. It’s time for us to tell our politicians what we want, not to be limited by what they say is possible. In the words of Robb Johnson: “Be reasonable and demand the impossible now!”.

To conclude, I remember the hope, standing on top of Calton Hill in 2013, singing the the Freedom Come All Ye alongside everyone else. Let’s take these words as our inspiration.

calton1

Sae come aa ye at hame wi freedom
Never heed whit the houdies croak for Doom
In yer hous aa the bairns o Aidam
Will fin breid, barley-bree an paintit room
Whan MacLean meets wi’s friens in Springburn
Aa thae roses an geeans will turn tae blume
An a black laud frae yont Nyanga
Dings the fell gallows o the burghers doun.

The Ghost of ’85

In 1985, at the Labour Party conference in Bournemouth, Neil Kinnock stood up and launched an attack on Liverpool City Council.  This was the council who had stood up and defied Thatcher and Tory cuts, with the consistent backing of local people.  Kinnock’s words and deeds will be remembered amongst the worst betrayals in British Labour history.

How fitting then to parody his words and reflect on what my local council has done recently.  Just over a month ago it announced £91 million pounds of ‘savings’ were to be made.  In real terms this means 2000 jobs and massive cuts to services.  To them, I dedicate the following:

I’ll tell you what happens with broken promises. You start with passive obedience.  This is then pickled into complacency, and a sense of entitlement, and you go through the years sticking to that, out-dated, mis-placed, irrelevant to the real needs, and you end in the ridiculous spectacle of Labour councillors – Labour councillors – protesting outside their own meeting before they then go in and slash public services

militant-rally-465-570408779

Liverpool fights Thatcher

 

Fence Sitting, Preparing to Jump

eu-logoAt the moment, I’m hovering about in a largely undecided state over the upcoming EU Referendum.  While I’m making my mind up, I’ve decided to gather links to the progressive cases for staying in or leaving.  This page will grow as I add new links, so do check back.

This is not an exhaustive list.

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Spare Us The Cutter: Save Our Libraries

By Grant Buttars, RISE West Fife

12746594_10153906613528048_1586675461_nOn 18th February, Fife Council took the decision, to close 16 of our libraries.  Affecting many of the poorest communities in the county, this was justified with the usual excuse that they couldn’t do anything else.

To some extent at least, this was the expected outcome but it still came as a severe blow to the communities affected and to the campaigners who have been fighting to save them since the initial announcement to close was made last year. This result will see some libraries close in as little as six weeks. An alternative proposal by the opposition SNP group, defeated by one vote, gave the libraries a 12 month reprieve, while alternatives were investigated.

I have played a supporting role in the Keep Fife’s Libraries Open campaign from the start and I want to take this opportunity to pay tribute to the tireless work…

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